I was still pregnant when trying to figure out if I'd be the type of mom who lets her child cry it out or who's there for them, every single time, no matter what. I did some reading and decided that I'd follow the second approach. I knew how it works in theory but I didn't really understand it from experience.
One night, my kid was about 18 months old at the time, she starts crying as if someone was torturing her. It took me 2 seconds to get to her room and lie next to her, hugging her. She was crying in her sleep and it was actually quite scary. However, a moment later she stopped as if nothing has happened in the first place, smiled a little and continued to sleep. A few minutes later, I returned to my bed, thinking about the secure attachment that she had apparently started developing in response to my parenting style. At this moment, I knew I was doing my best to raise a child who would explore this world confidently and independently. Instead of fearing it and being cautious, it would be a safe place or her, one that is worth exploring.
It's beautiful when, as a parent, you can set aside the urgency, set aside the feeling "inconvenienced," set aside the internal time frame that occurs in adults, and be totally open hearted to your child's experience. I
n whatever moment that happens... its not uncommon that we're trying to, say, get shoes on (and we're already late heading wherever we're supposed to be), and then Quin will suddenly need all of his stuffed animals, or suddenly has to take the world's biggest dump, or any number of other things that suddenly arise when I'm really feeling like "YO, we need to get out the door." But slowing down, just hearing what he has to say.... and digging DEEPLY into the infinite patience that is, somehow, there even when I am couldn't imagine it possible. It's actually, for me, a practice....no better meditation I can think of - self connection, and then truly seeing the child.
And then in those moments, seeing my child in my state of deep self awareness....it's like a miracle. I can sit with all the feelings. I can connect to my own resistance and not allow it to manage my experience. And ultimately, a deeper bond is forged through your own self work.
Kind of a ramble...thanks for sharing your reflections.
This is such good advice and so timely! We’re working through a little anxiety over here and I like the idea of nourishing it (sounds counterintuitive), naming it, releasing it, etc. you should be proud of how you handled this! Beautiful parenting moment. ❤️
Thanks Shelly -- nothing feels better to me than knowing a family (like yours) is considering ways to bring more nourishment in response to anxiety in the home 🙏
These stories are so helpful! I/we are struggling lately with homework. We start out fine - with two hours free to get 15 minutes of homework done... then three hours later, dinner uneaten with bedtime approaching, my blood pressure is ridiculously high and my daughter is in tears, and I’m at a loss how to help/encourage her, and find myself tuning into my “Angry Dad” energy and forcing her into finishing... 😔
Oddly, seeing “Mr. Vale’s Math Class” in concert this past week (+ your post and comments ;) has me reassessing my knee jerk Angry Dad reaction, knowing that that energy isn’t good for anyone (and could lead to my daughter ending up in a shitty band!)
I know that Angry Dad energy well. Never thought it would be me. But at times, that is who I fall into. I'm expecting several deep dives into that topic within this blog, knowing how common a struggle that can be for dads. Thank you for your share, Scott 🙏
Random Considerations: age of child, is there a space where "homework is done here" like a table; has the child had a snack or dinner; has the child had time for physical activity; has the child signaled readiness to start homework; clear about what to do; Is a timer set by which time homework might be finished or help sought if not; is child feeling ok about asking for help; extraneous distractions removed..... Sometimes power struggles evolve over minor issues. Does the child just want a lot of time with Dad and this is one way to get it. Is there a positive reinforcement after the homework is finished, like reading a story with Dad?
Are you saying these are things you considered as a parent? (otherwise, per Scott's reminder, these do read a bit like "directions" under the label of "considerations"). Would you mind rephrasing so we understand either "this is what worked for you" or ask if someone is open to some advice?
Before we “mansplain” this, let’s look back at Matt’s ground rules:
Dojo Ground Rules
These have served me well, alongside other men in intentional supporting spaces:
…
As you witness another in this dojo, if you feel called to give constructive feedback and they have not asked for it, get that person’s consent first. And don’t proceed until you have clear consent. For example:
1) “May I reflect something back to you as I see it?”
2) “May I challenge you on something, knowing I may be wrong about what I think I see?”
Thank you so much for clarifying. I should have stated that this was the kind of thought process that I used to attempt in a parent-teacher context. My apologies.
And my apologies for being a smart aleck. I usually have (some) tact and am a lot nicer in person - I think the anonymity of Internet commenting went to my head.
I was still pregnant when trying to figure out if I'd be the type of mom who lets her child cry it out or who's there for them, every single time, no matter what. I did some reading and decided that I'd follow the second approach. I knew how it works in theory but I didn't really understand it from experience.
One night, my kid was about 18 months old at the time, she starts crying as if someone was torturing her. It took me 2 seconds to get to her room and lie next to her, hugging her. She was crying in her sleep and it was actually quite scary. However, a moment later she stopped as if nothing has happened in the first place, smiled a little and continued to sleep. A few minutes later, I returned to my bed, thinking about the secure attachment that she had apparently started developing in response to my parenting style. At this moment, I knew I was doing my best to raise a child who would explore this world confidently and independently. Instead of fearing it and being cautious, it would be a safe place or her, one that is worth exploring.
That's a beautiful example of trusting your instincts, Zornista. Thank you for sharing your experience 🙏
It's beautiful when, as a parent, you can set aside the urgency, set aside the feeling "inconvenienced," set aside the internal time frame that occurs in adults, and be totally open hearted to your child's experience. I
n whatever moment that happens... its not uncommon that we're trying to, say, get shoes on (and we're already late heading wherever we're supposed to be), and then Quin will suddenly need all of his stuffed animals, or suddenly has to take the world's biggest dump, or any number of other things that suddenly arise when I'm really feeling like "YO, we need to get out the door." But slowing down, just hearing what he has to say.... and digging DEEPLY into the infinite patience that is, somehow, there even when I am couldn't imagine it possible. It's actually, for me, a practice....no better meditation I can think of - self connection, and then truly seeing the child.
And then in those moments, seeing my child in my state of deep self awareness....it's like a miracle. I can sit with all the feelings. I can connect to my own resistance and not allow it to manage my experience. And ultimately, a deeper bond is forged through your own self work.
Kind of a ramble...thanks for sharing your reflections.
I love this. "Set aside the internal time frame that occurs in adults."
What an important practice. Thank you for your reflection in return 🙏
This is such good advice and so timely! We’re working through a little anxiety over here and I like the idea of nourishing it (sounds counterintuitive), naming it, releasing it, etc. you should be proud of how you handled this! Beautiful parenting moment. ❤️
Thanks Shelly -- nothing feels better to me than knowing a family (like yours) is considering ways to bring more nourishment in response to anxiety in the home 🙏
These stories are so helpful! I/we are struggling lately with homework. We start out fine - with two hours free to get 15 minutes of homework done... then three hours later, dinner uneaten with bedtime approaching, my blood pressure is ridiculously high and my daughter is in tears, and I’m at a loss how to help/encourage her, and find myself tuning into my “Angry Dad” energy and forcing her into finishing... 😔
Oddly, seeing “Mr. Vale’s Math Class” in concert this past week (+ your post and comments ;) has me reassessing my knee jerk Angry Dad reaction, knowing that that energy isn’t good for anyone (and could lead to my daughter ending up in a shitty band!)
https://open.spotify.com/artist/29sg8Tq8gcn6CYNv3KaOYS?si=NULMhFLBQUyqncKIZKDfog
I know that Angry Dad energy well. Never thought it would be me. But at times, that is who I fall into. I'm expecting several deep dives into that topic within this blog, knowing how common a struggle that can be for dads. Thank you for your share, Scott 🙏
Random Considerations: age of child, is there a space where "homework is done here" like a table; has the child had a snack or dinner; has the child had time for physical activity; has the child signaled readiness to start homework; clear about what to do; Is a timer set by which time homework might be finished or help sought if not; is child feeling ok about asking for help; extraneous distractions removed..... Sometimes power struggles evolve over minor issues. Does the child just want a lot of time with Dad and this is one way to get it. Is there a positive reinforcement after the homework is finished, like reading a story with Dad?
Are you saying these are things you considered as a parent? (otherwise, per Scott's reminder, these do read a bit like "directions" under the label of "considerations"). Would you mind rephrasing so we understand either "this is what worked for you" or ask if someone is open to some advice?
Before we “mansplain” this, let’s look back at Matt’s ground rules:
Dojo Ground Rules
These have served me well, alongside other men in intentional supporting spaces:
…
As you witness another in this dojo, if you feel called to give constructive feedback and they have not asked for it, get that person’s consent first. And don’t proceed until you have clear consent. For example:
1) “May I reflect something back to you as I see it?”
2) “May I challenge you on something, knowing I may be wrong about what I think I see?”
Thank you so much for clarifying. I should have stated that this was the kind of thought process that I used to attempt in a parent-teacher context. My apologies.
And my apologies for being a smart aleck. I usually have (some) tact and am a lot nicer in person - I think the anonymity of Internet commenting went to my head.