Grieving Life Before Parenthood

What it's like right before letting go...

I used to have a Career Path, Self-Care, Freedom, Spontaneity, Sleep. Now I have young children.

I can’t make peace with what I’ve lost. So I drag it with me… every day.

I live with a split psyche: One half facing the day to day. The other half fantasizing about my old life and my old dreams.

Does grieving mean I have to let go of my dreams forever? What if those dreams are still possible? Grieving sounds like giving up on myself. I need something to hold onto.

What if I tell people I feel resentment about parenthood,... and they can’t hear it? What do I do with all this resentment?

I can’t let anyone know. I can’t say it out loud. Just shut up and keep going.

It’s not that I don’t love my kids. I just don’t know how to let go of my old life. I don’t know how to grieve. I’m afraid to let go.

Who am I without my dreams? 

(breathe) I can’t be the only parent who has ever faced this. I just don’t know where I am.

I’m not in my old life, and I’m not really in my current life either. I’m somewhere in between.

How might I give myself some space to write down my fears, my losses, my resentment, my rage? Who might I talk to about this (without feeling I need to filter it)?

Then. After I’ve made that space to acknowledge what is there, underneath the surface— all that I drag around with me… Then let the guidance come. 

I’m just not ready to hear it yet. That next step positive shit—that gratitude for what is. Yes, I know… eventually. But not while I’m learning to grieve.

How about you? What is one thing you aren’t fully ready to let go of from your life before parenting? And how might you be a bit more compassionate towards yourself for holding on?