How about you? What is one thing you aren’t fully ready to let go of from your life before parenting? And how might you be a bit more compassionate towards yourself for holding on?
That grief is so real, but yet society doesn’t accept it as that. It’s known as disenfranchised grief which is grief over a loss of anything that does not involve the passing of a loved one. And I’m sure that’s what fuelled my PPD after I had my daughter. However I am dealing with grief on a whole other level that parents who do not deal with special needs parenting will never understand but I try to educate which is why I created this all free newsletter https://coapts.substack.com
I had never heard that term before, Miriam -- "disenfranchised grief". A kind of grief made all the more isolating and heavy by not being recognized. On top of special needs parenting. It's a LOT 🙏
I may do a write up on disenfranchised grief since there needs to be more out there and thank you. I’m no longer in the trenches of special needs parenting but yes, it’s definitely a lot
This is really excellent. I know only too well what it's like to live between two lives, between the past and future, one foot in each boat, never fully present. It's a stage that comes before the full grief, perhaps...
This is so relatable, and I love the drawings. We had our kiddo later in life (I was in my late 30's), so I feel like I got to experience a good chunk of my 'carefree' life (opposed to my sister, for example, who had babies right out of high school). I often revel in the memories of just walking around downtown, listening to music, nowhere to be, not accountable to anyone but a job.
I miss that time, but over the years I think I've found a way to keep it close without the guilt. The grief can come and go, maybe the gratitude will have space to come in (maybe not), but there's space for it all and it doesn't need to discount my current life choices. So maybe I'll never let it go... it's just a piece of me.
Love this, Jen "The grief can come and go, maybe the gratitude will have space to come in (maybe not)" -- feels like being respectful of the emotions that want to emerge rather than controlling them. Not easy but definitely an honorable practice.
I find it hard to let go of my freedom to make mistakes where I alone am the only one that bares the consequences. I'm realizing now that even the things that only affect me still affect my family in some way. It's yet another thing that adds to the pressure of "being fully baked as an adult" before having kids. I understand that no one is ever fully baked and that pressure doesn't need to be carried. However, it's a hard thing to ignore. Be the best dad you can be whilst forgiving yourself for failing consistently. Yeesh...
This hits on something that is even beyond the grief, and that is: how can I grieve when I made the choice to change my life?
If I unexpectedly fell into being a father, then I would have more space for the "I wish I had more aspects of my freedom, and free time that I had before being a parent." But we made an active choice to have a family. And it's harder for me to grapple with the changes as I see I was an active participant in creating these changes.
I don't know if the word 'grief' really sits with me. Feels a bit strong. But certainly I have moments where I sit the chaos around me and wonder how life could be without the complexity. Or I miss the spontaneity of backpacking (without packing for two small kids as well and planning a trip that more than 2 miles to campsite), or I miss the winters where I would get to the mountain 15 or 20 times...but I also see this as the phase my life is in.
I feel gratitude brings me back to center. I went to the mountain yesterday, and though I would love to get up there again today, I bow to the beauty I was enveloped in yesterday and release my constriction around wanting more. Today I'm building with magna tiles and organizing stuffies. Gratitude - brings me back home.
Love this Matthew! The feelings you mention are familiar yet they come from a different place. See, I never had a life before parenting. I chose to continue with my surprise pregnancy and birthed my eldest at 17. So I don’t have that BC (before children) reference point.
But I do recognise the longing to hold onto things for me, experiences and adventures that don’t revolve around my children. I make it a a conscious life choice to centre myself in my life. I’m mother of ten. I believe this practice of loving myself while loving my kids is life saving and life affirming. 🪩
Thank you for sharing this, Danusia. Parenting can be entered into and evolved in so many ways. You had your first child at 17 and now have 10 (!) kids-- I had my first child at 42 and now have 2 kids 😊
Hiking! Climbing mountains 🏔️ eating pizza and spaghetti watching paragliders on the mountain my hubby proposed to me. Hahaha.... 😂 AWESOME MATTHEW!! so relatable ❤️ I have a baby and a toddler
Wonderful work - I see myself in the illustrations. For the older dad of adult kids, sometimes letting go is of the history of your life with your children. What happened, or failed to happen is the trauma.
How about you? What is one thing you aren’t fully ready to let go of from your life before parenting? And how might you be a bit more compassionate towards yourself for holding on?
Love this! It’s definitely a part of becoming a parent, managing these feelings of loss. I’ve written about what I let go of in a piece published in The Citron Review: https://citronreview.com/2022/12/22/longing-is-not-regret/
That grief is so real, but yet society doesn’t accept it as that. It’s known as disenfranchised grief which is grief over a loss of anything that does not involve the passing of a loved one. And I’m sure that’s what fuelled my PPD after I had my daughter. However I am dealing with grief on a whole other level that parents who do not deal with special needs parenting will never understand but I try to educate which is why I created this all free newsletter https://coapts.substack.com
I had never heard that term before, Miriam -- "disenfranchised grief". A kind of grief made all the more isolating and heavy by not being recognized. On top of special needs parenting. It's a LOT 🙏
I may do a write up on disenfranchised grief since there needs to be more out there and thank you. I’m no longer in the trenches of special needs parenting but yes, it’s definitely a lot
Would love to read that -- please post it here if you can, Miriam!
This is really excellent. I know only too well what it's like to live between two lives, between the past and future, one foot in each boat, never fully present. It's a stage that comes before the full grief, perhaps...
Thank you, Tamzin. That is well said.
Matthew, thank you for your honesty and your brilliant artwork. Glad to have connected.
Thank you, Mary. Same here ; )
This is so relatable, and I love the drawings. We had our kiddo later in life (I was in my late 30's), so I feel like I got to experience a good chunk of my 'carefree' life (opposed to my sister, for example, who had babies right out of high school). I often revel in the memories of just walking around downtown, listening to music, nowhere to be, not accountable to anyone but a job.
I miss that time, but over the years I think I've found a way to keep it close without the guilt. The grief can come and go, maybe the gratitude will have space to come in (maybe not), but there's space for it all and it doesn't need to discount my current life choices. So maybe I'll never let it go... it's just a piece of me.
Love this, Jen "The grief can come and go, maybe the gratitude will have space to come in (maybe not)" -- feels like being respectful of the emotions that want to emerge rather than controlling them. Not easy but definitely an honorable practice.
I find it hard to let go of my freedom to make mistakes where I alone am the only one that bares the consequences. I'm realizing now that even the things that only affect me still affect my family in some way. It's yet another thing that adds to the pressure of "being fully baked as an adult" before having kids. I understand that no one is ever fully baked and that pressure doesn't need to be carried. However, it's a hard thing to ignore. Be the best dad you can be whilst forgiving yourself for failing consistently. Yeesh...
That's a good one, Will. Mistakes affect more than just myself now -- I can relate.
This hits on something that is even beyond the grief, and that is: how can I grieve when I made the choice to change my life?
If I unexpectedly fell into being a father, then I would have more space for the "I wish I had more aspects of my freedom, and free time that I had before being a parent." But we made an active choice to have a family. And it's harder for me to grapple with the changes as I see I was an active participant in creating these changes.
I don't know if the word 'grief' really sits with me. Feels a bit strong. But certainly I have moments where I sit the chaos around me and wonder how life could be without the complexity. Or I miss the spontaneity of backpacking (without packing for two small kids as well and planning a trip that more than 2 miles to campsite), or I miss the winters where I would get to the mountain 15 or 20 times...but I also see this as the phase my life is in.
I feel gratitude brings me back to center. I went to the mountain yesterday, and though I would love to get up there again today, I bow to the beauty I was enveloped in yesterday and release my constriction around wanting more. Today I'm building with magna tiles and organizing stuffies. Gratitude - brings me back home.
Love this Matthew! The feelings you mention are familiar yet they come from a different place. See, I never had a life before parenting. I chose to continue with my surprise pregnancy and birthed my eldest at 17. So I don’t have that BC (before children) reference point.
But I do recognise the longing to hold onto things for me, experiences and adventures that don’t revolve around my children. I make it a a conscious life choice to centre myself in my life. I’m mother of ten. I believe this practice of loving myself while loving my kids is life saving and life affirming. 🪩
Thank you for sharing this, Danusia. Parenting can be entered into and evolved in so many ways. You had your first child at 17 and now have 10 (!) kids-- I had my first child at 42 and now have 2 kids 😊
I love the many ways we begin and continue our parenting journeys. Your post is beautiful!
🙏🏻
Hiking! Climbing mountains 🏔️ eating pizza and spaghetti watching paragliders on the mountain my hubby proposed to me. Hahaha.... 😂 AWESOME MATTHEW!! so relatable ❤️ I have a baby and a toddler
I can see it, Kristina -- "eating pizza and spaghetti..." -- now a precious memory instead of a practice 🙏
Wonderful work - I see myself in the illustrations. For the older dad of adult kids, sometimes letting go is of the history of your life with your children. What happened, or failed to happen is the trauma.
I feel that, Michael. Thank you
I appreciate the nuance here. Thank you for sharing your lens.
For myself, I chose a family without enough awareness of what I was choosing.
A big lesson, perhaps a complement to gratitude, for me is acceptance. This post by Don puts it beautifully, https://open.substack.com/pub/donboivin/p/no-one-is-better-than-you?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=2agnvt