What Gets in the Way of Authenticity in Fathers?

Beyond "why bother?" is a field. Let's go throw a frisbee there.

Thanks to those who participated in the dojo check-in poll last week about this blog.

So far, the results are as follows…

The most urgent fatherhood challenge this community of dads would like to address is a roughly three-way tie between:

• Inner Critic;

• Regulating Emotions;

• Neglecting Self-Care.

In the Fatherhood Dojo community, the core aspiration by a long-shot is:

• Being my authentic self.

While this aspiration was a far off second:

• Being fully present for my family.

As I mentioned previously, I can relate to all these challenges and aspirations.

BTW, I believe that addressing those challenges (along with intention) is what sets the stage for those aspirations to come into fruition.

So what does it mean to be my authentic self as a father?

We’ll get there. First, let’s just take a moment to appreciate this…

You are not the only dad with these challenges, no matter which one you selected. 

Nor are you the only dad with the aspiration you chose as most important to you.

What this means to me is that you are not alone. A father Many fathers are facing the same things you are facing. Which means you are not a unique failure of some kind.

More true is this: you and I are part of history, part of a context, part of a story in which there are challenges created by things around you—most of which you have no control over…

• Parenting advice has gotten out of hand since the 80’s (when simultaneously the best music on our planet was invented), causing parents an immense amount of anxiety in service to “doing parenting right.” For example, anxiety about potentially killing your baby by positioning them incorrectly in a crib or raising the next psycho due to inadequate amounts of praise.

• The ease of relocating has spread families farther apart from their extended families, removing key support systems by accident. With fewer support systems, the mothers and fathers are left to contend with “everything” from cooking, to cleaning, to teaching, to playing, to driving, to arranging playdates, to planning vacations. And that’s all unpaid labor directed just at the family.

• The rising costs of goods without wages keeping up adds financial stress.

• As women’s voices have become stronger, both men and women have grappled with how to collaborate around parenting, sex, and money as equals, often with different values to navigate. The models for this are few. In the gray areas lies potential and confusion—a space in between what used to be and what may become normal some day, but not quite yet.

• All this extra burden leaves less room for mums and daddies to connect as a couple. Less intimacy. Less connection. Less being on the same page. More emotional highs and lows.

A bit more…

• More recently, pandemic lockdowns created normalcy around connecting “not in person” and instilled a subtle fear of strangers based on the dangers of catching a virus or running into one of the extremists that news outlets love to feature (i.e. if it bleeds it leads). This may lead to less being out in the world and having spontaneous interactions. And less reaching out for help from anyone that you don’t know very well (both of which are normal human behaviors that feed our connective humanity).

• Less being out in the world means less mobility and more sitting around at home eating corn chips on the couch. Which can lead to familiarity with unhealthy self-soothing more than a practice of self-care.

And then as fathers, specifically, the soup we swim in includes:

• The buffoon father archetype that I wrote about previously. The pattern in which we get sidetracked by something and our attention is not in the present. Not on our family. It is somewhere else, perhaps with good intention to keep the family safe, or well-fed, etc. And in following this pattern, we fulfill the role so well that others look and say “well, yeah. What else do you expect from a father?”

• The father wound in our collective that leaves children feeling abandoned, deprived of the father’s gifts (such as how one relates to people outside the family), and puts pressure on fathers to NOT be that guy. Which is a much harder, and heavy, orientation than having an ideal to model after. Enter the inner critic—more than happy to point out the imperfections that prove how we are a bad father.

• Related to not having a model, we are each being tasked with modeling ourselves. In a culture addicted to authority figures as having all the answers, we must flip that narrative in order to see ourselves for who we are, what we have to offer, and how that is not just enough, but exactly what we are here to do. To be our authentic selves.

How might a human being feel if they had the burdens of Atlas, the fear of death always lurking nearby, goods and services at the touch of a button with no human interaction, pressure to have it all together as a man including bringing home the bacon, being a beast in the bedroom, always posturing as confident, not asking for help—while also be a new kind of man that is humble, vulnerable (but not too vulnerable), emotionally expressive (but not too expressive), and asks for help?

Well, I don’t know about you, but that combo of things might feel like too much.

It might feel like, shit, why bother? I can’t possibly come close to all those ideals in the midst of life as it currently exists. Can I even conquer one of those areas of my life? Am I allowed to use the word “conquer”?

Stress.

World change.

Confusion.

Darkness.

Isolation.

Loss.

Who am I to be in such a world?

Right there. That’s the place to begin. With questions. With curiosity. With a willingness to be creative.

Joyful, creative fairy-dust isn’t just for the ladies. I want that too.

I am willing let go of this notion of becoming someone worthy of respect—and begin treating myself with more compassion.

I am willing to shed the images of fathers that don’t inspire me. Those images can burn in the fire. 

I am willing to know what and who inspires me. I am willing to follow the tickles of joy and sparks of love.

I am willing to hold “authenticity” as a state within which I feel at home in myself while also acknowledging the needs of others in my care.

I am willing to create the conditions for my authentic self to come into being—not by force of my willpower, but by tending to the soil that is my body and soul.

By caring for my self and seeing how I might better serve others from a place of health.

Wanna play?

Stick around this blog and we will try some things. Maybe we'll gather for a call. Maybe I'll invite us to focus together on one area of personal development that deserves our individual attention and collective support.

Stay tuned, fathers. Stay connected.

In co-creation,
Matthew

PS: Tell us in the comments (or hit reply to this email), what does “being my authentic self” mean to you?